Making new friends.
As if a move to a new town wasn’t already complex. The logistics of a new job, a new rhythm, a new way of being. The ache of leaving behind a place and people you loved fiercely, and only a dim flicker of hope for whats to come. A big move and a big transition can leave your nervous system disoriented, and your body tired. Throw in the normal day to day demands like making dinner and changing diapers. Rice burned to clean from bottoms of pots and gel pen scribbles to remove from the wall.
But there is a desire for community that you can’t shake. Not because you feel obligated. but because you can’t ignore the deeply rooted, unignorable human cry for a friend.
We were created in the likeness of a Being who is three persons in one. Community is part of our essence. It is not good for us be alone.
We need to find our people.
The ones who have slowed down long enough amidst the loudness of life to actually enjoy it.
The ones who look you in the eye.
The ones who sink into the sacredness of time.
The ones you don’t need a spotless house for.
The other ragamuffins. The misfits.
The kids with barefeet and kind words, messy hair and an unrelenting passion for mud.
The strange neighbors who made an extra loaf of banana bread just for an excuse to stop by and chat.
Stop and chat.
Will you Stop? And Chat?
“Would you like some tea?” “I would love some.” An invitation accepted.
In this quest for finding new friends, we must accept and offer invitations. Often.
How do we do it? How do we find our people when we are the ones who are new? How do we go quickly from isolation and newness to a village and a well-worn groove?
My first bit of advice is this: you go first.
Honestly, nobody wants to hear it. Because all of us want to remain unrejected. We want to hide behind a screen with the illusion of fellowship. We think we are better off alone than we are being found injured along the road to togetherness.
Here’s the thing. Every person you invite into your home for a meal isn’t going to become your closest friend.
I remember the first time Erik and I relocated after being newly married, we invited a couple over for dinner. The wife was an acquaintance of Erik’s in college, and it seemed like an easy friendship win. We struggled our way through conversation and couldn’t find much common ground. (which is different than awkwardness of first interactions which i’ll talk about in a sec!) We said goodbye with (i’m pretty sure) a mutual notion that we wouldn’t be “besties for the resties”. They never returned a dinner invitation and we didn’t invite them over again. And guess what? They are great people who probably have their own great friends.
Keep going, you’re on the brink of meeting someone who will be written on your heart forever. Extend the invite, over and over again.
My second bit of advice is to muscle through the stages of awkwardness.
Theodor Roosevelt said it, and it’s worth repeating here… “Nothing in the world is worth having or doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty.”
It’s very vulnerable, painful even, being the one to go first and share part of your heart that someone else might reject. As you get to know how safe of a space this is going to be, you’re gonna veer into a weird territory of figuring that out.
This is especially challenging if you are navigating a different culture. Whether that is an entirely different country, a different region, or someone from your own country with a different family culture.
Are we gonna get deep enough to talk about conspiracy theories, how messed up the medical system is, that we don’t vaccinate our kids, the REAL reasons we choose to homeschool? Can we share that we love Jesus and his kingdom but have real big issues with the modern day “church”? Do we get deep enough to share how intrusive our postpartum thoughts are and that at every moment we fear one of our children dying? And can we do this EVEN IF WE DON’T UNDERSTAND OR AGREE WITH ONE ANOTHER??
Or are we just gonna stick to “how tasty are these cheesy mashed potatoes?”
In a superficial world, I urge you to choose depth. Open up. Let your freak flag fly. Don’t be afraid to be seen. Your people will find you faster this way, and those who are bent on misunderstanding you will not stick around for long.
The third and last thing I want to leave you with as you venture into this new place of seeking your people, is this: Everything revolves around food. (if you let it)
My husband and I lived almost 5 years in Mexico City and spent most of our time with local Mexicans as the bulk of our community. We were richly gifted with many, many meal invitations over the course of our time there.
If you’ve never experienced sitting down to a meal, not only with the intention to eat, but with the intention to BE with the people around you, you might not comprehend just how SOUL FILLING it can be. Mexican dinners revolve not only around the food, but around the company. No one eats until everyone is seated at the table. Yes, even if the food gets cold. Because it’s not about the food, it’s about the people.
There’s a word for it in Spanish. Sobremesa- “around the table”. Dinners last for HOURS. People don’t generally eat alone, ever. Maybe that should be our goal while we are in a season of seeking new community. You don’t need to be a super hostess to throw a frozen lasagna in the oven or make a quick charcuterie board spread. Fill your table with people. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. Simple because, really, there is nothing less complicated than eating. Difficult because our intrusive thoughts and comfort zones can convince us we are better off with the easiest option.
Fill your kitchen with hands. Fill your rooms with noise. Pass the bread around the table.
Jesus,
I pray for the family or individual who is reading this and seeking friendship and deep, real community. I pray for an openness in their heart and mind, a willingness ot put themselves out there, and for you to bring people into their path. I pray for the transition they may be having in a new place and I pray against the spirit of Loneliness or Isolation. I pray for new friendships with Brothers and Sisters in You, and I pray for friendships with people who need to be introduced to You. Expand Your Kingdom through the friendships this family or individual will make in this next season of their life. In the powerful name of Jesus, Amen.
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